This is our home

A calm secure place

This is our home

Anger has no trace

This is our home

Nothing can replace

This is our home

Impossible to erase

This is our love

A happy ending

This is our love

No more pretending

This is our love

Always defending

This is our love

No condescending

This is eternity

A tingly kiss

This is eternity

A near miss

This is eternity

Don’t forget this

This is eternity

Forever in bliss

Loss of love and time

Memories left behind

I hear the bell chime

Your love has left me blind

Why fall in love and take the pain,

When it’s certain to have no gain?

Why give your all,

When everything will surely fall?

Dear Whoever Will Listen:

       This is my letter.  I’m writing in an attempt to feel better.  His life is gone.  I’m wondering what went wrong.  I’m saying this to protect you from the same defect.  Sometimes love can leave you blind, make you ravenous and unkind.  Love and death go hand in hand when all you do is demand.  Take my advice, love can be nice; but when you think you’ve got it all, everything will surely fall.

Love never,

The day will come,

I hope you’ll see,

You’ll wish to be numb,

Just like me

You call me queer,

Say I’m a freak.

I hide the tear,

Meandering down my cheek

You try to break my spirit,

You try to hold me back,

But you’ll never do it,

You’ll always lack

I’ll never be you,

I’ll never pretend,

My happiness is true,

As my love in the end.

Heart and head a mess

Life a surreal blur

I give my all, nothing less

You're a gift from god, the pain's cure.

I search my mind and find you there...

An ambling tear crawls down my face

As you tell me that you truely care.

You're my love, impossible to replace.

I wonder if our love will ever wear?...

Will you be my eternal light?...

You bring out the best of me,

You're the only thing in life that feels right.

You're the one who lets me be free.

I wanna hold you all through the night.

Where this will go, I can only guess....

This I promise, I'll never leave you,

My love's forever, and always true.

I thought you were the one for me,

I thought you'd be the one to set me free.

The truth, so harsh, is plain to see.

It hurts so bad, please let me be.

You seemed so calm last night,

Pretending everything's alright.

I bottle up, avoid the fight.

I hold it in with all my might.

What you did isn't fair!

Did you ever truely care?

The feeling of loss is in the air,

I wonder if love was ever there...

It was in fact a time of fear and doubt

I was ready to end the pain inside

Could my heart be content alone, without?

Do I take a chance? I couldn't decide.

I dove in fast, head first for halos,

Not knowing what would become of us two.

Now the distance between us quickly grows.

I'm left here not knowing what I am to do.

For the briefest of moments we were content;

Two teenage lovers alone in the world.

I worked real hard to show my sentiment

The thought of you made my toes become curled.

Nothing can last forever, this I know.

Though it's all over, I still love you so.

time passes,

memories fade,

shattered glasses,

a hate parade.

will you answer,

if I call your name?

do you see what we were,

or are you full of shame?

I breathe deep,

as if it were my last breath.

My love for you is hard to keep,

I cut my wrists, wishing for death.

why is life,
synonymous with pain?
why try to survive,
when there is no gain?

why does love,
create such hate?
why can't the dove,
collect a mate?

why believe
in a thorny cross,
when nothing can relieve
the pain and loss?

why fall in love?
why carry on?
why push and shove,
when all is destined to be gone?

i fell for you.
i hate you now.
you said it was true.
i've got to move on, but how?

it was indeed a drab and dull afair
when I saw him enter the crouded hall
his face my sunrise, his eyes a fixed glare
my knees began to shake as leaves in fall.

he was the light to chase demons away.
my heart began to prance, and jump, and dance.
I hoped we would be together some day.
with eyes wide I took my chance at romance.

with deep intent I watched his every move
a billion slight smiles and vague hellos,
my instant love impossible to prove
at rejection my love comes to a close

he broke my heart and yet I feel for him
my future with men appears rather grim.

trying to get away

wanting to kill the pain

hating today

contemplating the gain

mind blurred, eyes a haze

body numb, hands shakey

red scars become a blaze

life becomes flakey

tears well up, make-up smears

i hate you, i love you, i sob and cry

i  remember your laughter and cheers

i think back and wonder why

all you were is dead to me

and yet the memories won't let me be

lonely, small, and insecure,

tears well up, body shakes.

i search within for the cure;

this is what life takes

which part of me is lost?

i cut to let the feelings out.

i close my eyes, ignore the cost,

fill my life with fear and doubt.

      pain umbearable,

uncertain, untrue, unreal,

    hardly worth living

peace at war, war at peace

will the fighting ever cease

life a haze

eyes aglaze

hands shake

desires flake

life uncertain

want to close the curtain

black and white, white and black

we know not how they stack

we feel pain and strife

when life is death and death is life

          family moment

sweet, serine, loving, and pure

  pain and hate flow free

love can be unkind

it can leave you confused

it's not quite blind

it may leave you feeling used

God forbid anyone else be scared.

God forbid anyone else should've cared.

Sittin' here, rackin' my mind,

knowing how i feel,

wondering if you think me kind.

Are my feelings real?

My thoughts relentless, there to remind;

for happiness and love i'd kill.

life doesn't take back, replay, rewind.

i wish life were easy to swallow, a tiny pill.

The kife is jagged, all too real.

life's a haze, a misty tomb,

the pain intense, reality surreal,

love's a rose that won't fully bloom.

“Crazy, I’m not crazy!  I planned it all perfectly.  My life was crazy once, but what I did to get in here wasn’t crazy, it was the perfect scheme.  If you’d have said I was crazy before the murders, before the angst and hate, I would have probably given a psychotic laugh.  I’m not crazy now, those times have come and gone and now, locked away in my snowy cell of solitude, I sit here and defend that I’m not crazy.”

            “I know you’re not crazy, I believe you, but I just want to talk to you.  I want to help you, Sonny.”

            “Help… You don’t know the meaning of the word help!  Help is some kind of assistance given to those in need.  I’m not in need, and I don’t need your help.”

            “Well, let’s just talk a little, shall we?  Why don’t you tell me what went on, where it all started?”

            “Okay, I guess I’ll talk.  I planned, I executed, and I ended.  What more do you want from me.”

            The doctor rose and left the room, leaving me to my thoughts and memories.

            “Hey Sonny, how’s it goin’?”  Emily asked in her sweet, heavenly voice.  “I was beginning to worry about you.  Are you okay, you seem a little pale?”

            “I’m fine, I was just thinking about what I’d do if I ever lost you, or if I never met you.  Where would I be now?”

            “Don’t think about things like that,” Emily replied with a hint of sadness and doubt.  “I’ll never leave you and we met.  What more do you want?”

            “I’m not sure.  Maybe I don’t want anything.  Maybe it’s just a dream, maybe I’ll get over it, but I wanna be the rocker on the cover of AP.”

            “That’s a nice dream to have, Sonny, but I don’t think you can do it.  I don’t think you’ll make it.”

            “You don’t believe in me, do you?  I thought you loved me!  I thought you’d stand behind me!”

            “I do love you, Sonny, and I want you to be happy.  If you love me, you’ll get a real job and stop these teenage fantasies.”

            “Sonny, we’re all waiting for you.  What’s wrong?” Gerard asked in a voice of concern and reason.

            “I’m just a little upset, that’s all, but there’s no reason for me to let that affect my performance.  These people came here to see Black, and that’s what they’ll get, not some sad little man afraid to face the truth.”

            “But Sonny…”

            “I’ll be fine, I’m sure”

            Gerard left and there was a voice that spoke, almost as though the air was escaping from Sonny’s body in his final moments.  “I’m pretty sure I’m sure.”

            The band took the stage and at the end, while the officers marched in with fixed intent, Sonny began to sing.

            “Her smiles and her laughter
            It's the only thing that I've been waiting for a time
            Regardless of our distance and our hope...grows greater
            Trapped by pretty eyes and letters for all time
            ...the only thing that I've been waiting for.

            I hope it's something worth the waiting
            'Cause it's the only thought that I ever feel real
            Thunder storms could never stop me
            'Cause there's no one in the world like Emily

            She's simple yet confusing
            Her sparkling eyes make me weak at my words, they tremble
            Days seem like years in this month of December
            The winter coldens me for I have yet to sleep
            And never will I give up trying 'cause you're everything to me.”

            Sonny fell to the floor in a burst of tears and the officers ran up to cuff him, dragging him off stage, destroying the one thing he dreamed of and yet, destroyed him.

            “Crazy, I’m not crazy!  I planned it all perfectly.  My life was crazy once, but what I did to get in here wasn’t crazy, it was the perfect scheme.  If you’d have said I was crazy before the murders, before the angst and hate, I would have probably given a psychotic laugh.  I’m not crazy now, those times have come and gone and now, locked away in my snowy cell of solitude, I sit here and defend that I’m not crazy.”

            “I know you’re not crazy, I believe you, but I just want to talk to you.  I want to help you, Sonny.”

            “Help… You don’t know the meaning of the word help!  Help is some kind of assistance given to those in need.  I’m not in need, and I don’t need your help.”

            “Well, let’s just talk a little, shall we?  Why don’t you tell me what went on, where it all started?”

            “Okay, I guess I’ll talk.  I planned, I executed, and I ended.  What more do you want from me.”

            The doctor rose and left the room, leaving me to my thoughts and memories.

            “Sonny, it’s okay, I know you’re upset, but you don’t have to do this.  We can work it out, I’ll do anything you want, anything.  Please, please don’t do this.”

            “It’s the only way.  You know the truth now, Emily.  I’m sorry.  I love you but I can’t let you live like this.  I can’t live like this.”

            Emily screamed the most blood curdling scream ever released. She fell, blood spattered and confused on the floor, the tears still wet on her cheeks.  Sonny was everything to her and she to him, but all was ended by the knife.

            “This will be the last entry to my diary.  I have done it!  You didn’t think I could live without you and neither did I, but I did it!  You stood in my way, I had no choice.  If only you could have believed me, if only you would have stayed away when I told you to.  You just had to try and stop me, you just had to be the voice of reason.  I love you.  I miss you.  Why wouldn’t  you just leave me be.”

“Crazy, I’m not crazy!  I planned it all perfectly.  My life was crazy once, but what I did to get in here wasn’t crazy, it was the perfect scheme.  If you’d have said I was crazy before the murders, before the angst and hate, I would have probably given a psychotic laugh.  I’m not crazy now, those times have come and gone and now, locked away in my snowy cell of solitude, I sit here and defend that I’m not crazy.”

            “I know you’re not crazy, I believe you, but I just want to talk to you.  I want to help you, Sonny.”

            “Help… You don’t know the meaning of the word help!  Help is some kind of assistance given to those in need.  I’m not in need, and I don’t need your help.”

            “Well, let’s just talk a little, shall we?  Why don’t you tell me what went on, where it all started?”

            “Okay, I guess I’ll talk.  I planned, I executed, and I ended.  What more do you want from me.”

            The doctor rose and left the room, leaving me to my thoughts and memories.

            Sonny drew a line through the last name on his list full of hate and contempt, his face a sly smirk, and vision of triumph.  Then, something happened, His face seemed to turn ghostly white, his eyes became a blur as tears began to form.  He killed her.  He killed his life.  What could he possible have left now?  It’s her fault.  I told her to stay home.  If she would have listened to me, she’d still be here.  She didn’t love me.  She was only in my way.  He added a name to the list and crossed it off.  His work was done now, all names accounted for, all those accounted for on the list.

            The stage was set, the band was playing.  It was the end of the show with one final song to play.  The cops raced in to take Sonny down.  They knew his secret, they had the proof.  All that was left was to bring him in. 

            “Crazy, I’m not crazy!  I planned it all perfectly.  My life was crazy once, but what I did to get in here wasn’t crazy, it was the perfect scheme.  If you’d have said I was crazy before the murders, before the angst and hate, I would have probably given a psychotic laugh.  I’m not crazy now, those times have come and gone and now, locked away in my snowy cell of solitude, I sit here and defend that I’m not crazy.”

I just wanna be free,
to feel the ground beneth my feet.
I wanna be set aside from me,
to have a happy and kind retreat.

This life is pointless, I've paid the fee.
I wanna be noticed, not patiet;
to believe, to just be me,
and vanquish the flame of deceit.

this life is not a life,
it's ersatz, not real.
i face trouble and strife;
hardship is all i feel.

we make things up to get us through,
follow blindly, not wanting to do wrong.
eyes closed we can't see what's true
life isn't life if we all get along.

I am not I,
     I am this one
Walking in darkness, evading light
Buried deep in my tomb
My soul full of love and hate
My eyes aglaze and lost
The drop of blood on the knife
The scars across the arms,
The life that is death, the truth less seen

Snow falls  evenly,
People huddle  together,
Life is  uncertain.
The future is  dubious,
With almost no help  at all.